Title: On being a woman and a homosexual
Author: T’Pau Silver (Silvey on lj)
Theme: Set 1, #1 – Something sweet
Fandom: Bleach
Pairing: Inoue Orihime/Arisawa Tatsuki
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach

The door slams behind me, the sound resonating through the house, but it doesn’t seem loud enough, strong enough, to express my feelings. I drop my bag on the floor then angrily shrug my shoulders, causing my coat to slip of and pool on the floor around my feet. For a second I stand there, clenching and unclenching my fists, staring at the blank wall of the hallway. It doesn’t help though. All the anger is still there.

So, you’re still wearing your hair like that?

I turn abruptly and walk up the stairs, shoulders tense. Behind me, I hear the door to the living room open, but I don’t look back. I can’t deal with it right now, I can’t deal with anyway. I need…I need to calm down. The bathroom is at the top of the stairs so I go in there, then lock the door behind me. It’s a small space so I don’t have much choice but to stand in front of the sink, and I lean against it, try to push it over almost as if that’ll help. In the mirror my reflection looks back at me, an image of failure.

If you wore just a little makeup then you might be able to find a husband.

I want to scream but it wouldn’t help. Instead I turn and sink down, grinding my teeth and closing my eyes so I don’t have to see myself, I sit there with my back to the door and pull my knees up to my chin. It’s so stupid. Stupid and useless and I don’t even know why I’m getting so worked up like this but I can’t stop her words echoing round and round in my head.

Have you put on some weight? I think you’ve put on some weight? Better not have desert then.

I clench my fists fighter but I can already feel one treacherous tear running down my cheek and I know it won’t be long. I hate that she can do this to my after so long. I hate that she can still make me feel so useless, so worthless. I haven’t lived under her roof for ten years now but she can still reduce me to this in only a thirty minute conversation. Just a few words can make me feel like this, so worthless and useless. There’s a tentative knock on the door but I can’t answer, the words won’t come out right now. She waits a few seconds then moves away, footsteps padding down the stairs.

Maybe if we hadn’t let you do so much sport as a child you’d be able to have a normal relationship.

Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. I can’t hold it in any more, I need to move so I spring up, wrestle with the lock for a second as I can’t see it properly through my tears, then spill out onto the small hallway and swing round into our bedroom. I don’t bother stopping to close the door, I don’t want to be alone, I just let myself collapse on the bed, clutching fistfuls of quilt. It’s just not fair. I know those words aren’t true, I know it, but somehow when she says them I can’t help but believe them.

Sometimes I wish I had a real daughter to go shopping with…

A sob rips through me and I let it. I AM a real daughter. I am her daughter. She birthed me, she raised me, she’s the only one who can make me feel so awful so I must be her daughter. Nobody else can make me feel worthless like this. I pull my hands up near my face, trying to wipe the tears as they fall, but it’s no use. Then, suddenly, there’s a weight on the bed and arms are around me and I’m being pulled into an embrace. I let myself go, let her pull me in and hold me tight, like she has done to often before. I can’t help but bring my arms around her when she’s holding me like this, let my head come to rest on her shoulder, letting her hair absorb my tears. When people look at us, they often assume I’m the strong one and she’s dependent on me, how wrong can they be.

You really are worthless to me.

“You’re beautiful, Tatsuki, don’t ever believe otherwise.”

“Orihime,” I mumble, pulling her closer, leaning against her. My body’s still shaking but she’s stroking my back and that helps a lot. I take deep breaths and try to calm down but it’s hard. It’s hard to be the failure daughter. I know that what my mum says isn’t true, I have value as a woman and a person, but something about the way she talks to me makes me feel like my entire life is a sham.

Don’t you think you should wear something more…feminine?

“You’re wonderful just as you are.”

Something in Orihmie’s embrace is getting through to me and I start to relax, my muscles slowly unclenching and my tears slowing. I hate that I get like this so easily about what it, really, nothing at all, but I can’t help it. Just being here with Orihime helps, though. I mean, she’s wonderful. Really, amazing. How can I be worthless and everything like my mother says if a wonderful girl like her, one who could have anyone in the world, chooses to be here with me?

I got a free sample of this new skin cream, you can use it more then me…

“I love you.”

I pull back a little and smile at her. It always puts things into perspective when she says those words to me. Nothing could be more perfect then the sound of those words falling for her lips, and if that perfection is for me and only me how can I be what my mother thinks I am. I must be beautiful or why would she trust me. I must be valuable or how could she love me. I must be worthy or what could I have done to deserve a wonderful woman like this. I kiss her softly and feel her smiling against my lips. How can I be sad at that? The kiss is only short and she stands up afterwards, brushing out her dress. We’re used to this by now, she knows not to ask, it’s just how me and my mother are.

“I’ll make some tea.”

“Thanks, I’ll just clean up and be down in a second,” I say, smiling at her, and she beams back at me then heads of, singing under her breath. I head to the hallway and watch her go down the stairs before I go to wash my face. She’s mine and she loves me and nothing could be sweeter then that.